Collected WIT 2012

New angles on old tales

 

“What happened to Lot’s wife when she left Gomorrah?”

“She turned a somersault.”

 

“Solomon was the wisest man of his time owing to the fact that he had so many wives to advise him.”

 

“Who was sorry when the prodigal son returned?”

“The fatted calf.”

 

A Catholic school teacher was telling her class how she prays to St Anthony when she is driving and gets lost. “Why don’t you just buy a satnav?” asked one of the boys.

 

“Religious people prey every day.”

 

“Christians only have one spouse. What is that called?”

“Monotony.”

 

“Why did the Three Wise Men bring gold to the birth of Jesus?”

“To pay for the hotel.”

 

 

Wit of the ancients

 

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.  Joe Namath

 

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.  Will Rogers

 

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.  Bob Hope

 

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.  Winston Churchill

 

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty…but everything else starts to wear out, fall out or spread out.  Phyllis Diller

 

By the time that a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.  Billy Cristal

 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. Socrates

 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx

 

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and again, she stops to breathe. Jimmy Durante

 

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.  Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

Money can’t buy you happiness … but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.  Spike Milligan

 

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.  Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

Entente cordial

 

Coming back from another EC summit in Rome, various European leaders were forced to take the train due to a strike by Swiss ATC controllers. Travelling through the Alps, sitting together in the same compartment, were Cameron, Merkel, Sarkozy, and the young and very attractive female Irish foreign minister.

      The train goes into a dark tunnel and, a few seconds later, there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Sarkozy has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No-one speaks; everyone is extremely shocked and embarrassed.

       Angel Merkel thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have groped the Irish girl in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

       The Irish girl thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled Merkel and she slapped his cheek.

       Sarkozy thinks: why me? That perfidious Cameron must have groped the Irish girl in the dark knowing that I’d get the blame for it and she slapped me: the English bastard!

        And Cameron thinks: I can’t wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that little French **** again.

 

 

Special relationship

 

On a train from London to Manchester, an American man was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

      “You English people are too stuffy.  You set yourself apart too much. Look at me. I have a variety of bloods in me: Italian; French; a little Indian; and some Swedish. What do you say to that?”

       With a superior smile, the Englishman responded: “Very sporting of your mother, I’d say.”

Rocket science

 

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4-pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle when travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of windshields.

 

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed through the windshield into the shatter-proof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a cross-bow.

 

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

 

NASA responded with a one-line memo: “Defrost the chicken.”

 

(This is a true story!)

Newspaper headlines

 

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

 

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

 

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

 

Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over

 

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

 

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

 

War Dims Hope for Peace

 

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, it May Last a While

 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

 

Enfield Couple Slain: Police Suspect Homicide

 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

 

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

 

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

 

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

 

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

 

Typhoon rips Through Cemetery: Hundreds Dead

 

 

Smart women

 

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a cold, snowy morning. Both their cars are totally demolished but, amazingly, neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their respective cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says “So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.”

       Flattered, the man replies: “Oh yes! I agree completely. This must be a sign from God. But you’re still at fault. Women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.”

      The woman continues: “And look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” She hands the bottle to the man.

       The man nods his head in agreement, opens the bottle and drinks half of it. He then hands the bottle back to the woman. She takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

       The man asks “Aren’t you having any?”

       The woman replies “No. I think I’ll wait for the police.”

 

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting on a Saturday morning after breakfast.

       Dad: People: this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone. I use the one at the office.

       Mum: Same here. I hardly use this home telephone. I use my work telephone.

       Son: Me, too. I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

       Maid: So where’s the problem? Everyone uses their work telephone!

 

A woman going to bed noticed some men breaking into the tool-shed. She phoned the police who replied that there was no-one in the area to help, but they would send someone as soon as possible.

      A few minutes later, she phoned the police again and said: “Hello. I phoned you a couple of minutes ago about thieves in my shed. There is no hurry to come now as I have just shot them”.

     Within minutes, there were half-a-dozen police cars in the area, plus an armed response unit, even a helicopter. They caught the thieves red-handed.

      One of the officers said: “I thought you said you had shot them.”

      And the woman replied: “I thought you said that no-one was available.”

 

 

Out of the mouths of …

 

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

 

For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

 

For drowning, climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

 

For dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

 

If someone is a vegetable, it is fruitless to keep them alive on a machine.

 

Heart disease is most popular amongst the over-55s

 

The longer you live, the sooner you are going to die.

 

A terminal illness is when you are sick at the airport.

 

Steroids are things for keeping carpets still on stairs.

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