Timely quotes

 

“I want a police force that catches more criminals than I employ”. Robert Mark, ex-Commissioner of Metropolitan Police.

 

“Not only can I drive a tractor, but I have reversed one through the side of a barn.” Caroline Spelman, Environment Minister.

 

“Your article ‘Everything you always wanted to know about ghosts but were afraid to ask’ demonstrates that it is time that the government appointed a Chief Inspectre.” Michael Stannard.

 

‘New invisible hearing aid has to be seen to be believed.’ Advert for Ormerod Hearing Centres.

 

 

Church News

 

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

 

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5 p.m. Prayer and medication to follow.

 

This evening at 7 p.m. there will be hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

 

The church will hold an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

 

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

 

Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

More from the golden oldies

 

When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said “Let us pray”. We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.  Desmond Tutu

 

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I’m a billionaire.  Howard Hughes

 

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.  Italian proverb

 

The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.  Jean Kerr

 

I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.  Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.  Prince Philip

 

Wood burns faster when you have to chop it yourself.  Harrison Ford

 

 

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.  Robin Hall

 

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars, but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.  Arnold Schwarzenegger

 

We are here to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.  Chris J. Heine

 

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very sceptical.  Arthur C. Clarke

 

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.  Jimmy Durante

 

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.  Doug Hamwell

 

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.  Robert Benchley

 

If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.  Jonathan Winters

 

 

Signs of the times

 

On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push

 

Over a gynaecologists’s office: Dr Jones at your cervix.

 

On a septic tank truck: Yesterday’s meals on wheels.

 

On a plumber’s truck: We repair what your husband fixed.

 

On another plumber’s truck: Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

 

On a church’s notice board: 7 days without God makes one weak.

 

At a tyre store: Invite us to your next blow-out.

 

On an electrician’s truck: Let us remove your shorts.

 

In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

 

 

On an optician’s door: If you can’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

 

On a taxidermist’s window: We really know our stuff.

 

On the fence outside a house: Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.

 

At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet. Miss a car payment.

 

Outside a car exhaust store: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

 

In a vet’s waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

 

In a restaurant window: Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and be fed up.

 

In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We’ll wait.

 

At a radiator shop: Best place in town to take a leak.

 

On the back of another septic tank truck: Caution – This truck is full of political promises.

 

 

And other signs of the times

 

A young teenager decided to wash his own sports shirts. “Mum” he shouted. “What number do I set the washing machine on?”

“What does it say on the shirt?” asked his mother.

“Manchester United” the son replied.

 

A woman went into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. “What denominations?” asked the assistant.

“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” responded the woman. “Well, give me 10 Catholic, 10 Anglican and 10 Methodist.”

 

 

More old tales

 

Socrates died from a dose of wedlock.

 

“B.C. means ‘before computers’.”

 

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul

 

Nero was a cruel tyrant. He would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

 

“Name one of the Romans’ greatest achievements.” “Learning to speak Latin.”

… and finally

 

Can you imagine working for a company that has the following statistics?

 

29 have been accused of spouse abuse.

7 have been arrested for fraud.

9 have been accused of writing bad cheques.

17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least two businesses.

3 have done time for assault.

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit rating.

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges.

8 have been arrested for shoplifting.

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits.

84 have been arrested for drink-driving.

 

Collectively, they have cost the tax payer £92,993,748 this year alone.

 

Which organisation is this?

 

It is the 645 members of the House of Commons.