From sundry sources,

but especially MFP and JIMD (to whom many thanks).

 

If you’ve seen some of these before – enjoy them again!

 

 

 

 

For starters

 

To those of you approaching or already over 65, be aware that senior citizens are the nation’s leading carriers of AIDS.

 

HEARING AIDS

BAND -AIDS

GARDENING AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS.

And don’t forget the most serious complaint of all:

Acute Income Deficiency Syndrome

caused by MONETARY AIDS (to your kids).

 

 

The PC army

 

“Right, you ‘orrible lot. Snap to attention!” Our armed forces may show outstanding courage, but there’s one weapon that strikes fear into even the toughest recruit. It is an unexploded sergeant-major.

 

This has proved such a fearsome device down the ages that the army has decided to defuse it for good. It won’t be long before the use of a sergeant-major will be banned under the Geneva conventions. In the meantime, there will be no more bawling at young soldiers. Instead, the ranks will be coaxed into standing to attention or whatever the collective mood of a parade might be.

 

The new ethos is more in keeping with Sergeant Wilson from Dad’s Army: “Would you mind awfully forming three straight ranks, if you’d be so kind? Do feel free to stand easy, or even stand down. And yes, Private Godfrey, of course you may be excused.”

 

Be afraid, Taliban. Be very afraid!

 

 

School reports: between the lines

 

1. One of my school reports simply stated: “Sheila attended the lessons.”

 

2. My housemaster wrote: “He has an overdeveloped unawareness.”

 

3. A friend’s son’s report stated: “By the time he has mastered French, he will be too old to cross the Channel.”

 

4. “The improvement in his hand-writing has revealed his inability to spell.”

 

5. “I am sorry to have to tell you that he is doing his best.”

 

6. After my first year at grammar school: “A happy soul and quite unconcerned at his ignorance.”

 

7. For religious studies, my report in 1973 stated: “Not very interested.” Rev. Roger Hagon.

 

 

Irish brotherhood

 

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in a corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he has finished all three, he goes back to the bar and orders three more.

 

The barman says: “You know, a pint goes flat soon after I pull it. Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

 

Patrick replies: “Well now, I have two brodders. One is in America, the odder is in Australia, and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised dat we’d drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.”

 

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more. Patrick becomes a regular customer, and always drinks the same way, ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

 

One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes to the bar a second time for the second round, the barman says: “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I want to pay my condolences on your great loss.”

 

Patrick looks confused for a moment. Then the penny drops and he starts to laugh. “Oh no!” he says. “Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me: I’ve quit drinking!”

 

 

…‘beg your pardon?

 

The Mona Lisa is famed for her enigmatic smile, but doctors now think that it was probably just wind.

 

 

Parable for today

 

One day, a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied: “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a thankyou card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

 

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies: “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The cop was happy, and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open his shop, there was a thankyou card and dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

 

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies: “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The MP was very happy, and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open his shop, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 

Moral: Both politicians and diapers need to be changed often − and for the same reason.

Collected WIT 2010

A challenge for MENSA members

 

WHY…

− do Tescos make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions dealt with while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

− do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke?

− do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

− do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in the drive-way and put our useless junk in the garage?

 

− do they have drive-in ATM (hole-in-the-wall) machines with Braille lettering?

− the sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin?

− can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

− you never see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

− ‘abbreviated’ is such a long word?

 

− doctors call what they do a ‘practice’?

− lemon juice is made with artificial flavour and washing-up liquid is made with real lemons?

− the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

− the time of day with the slowest traffic is called ‘rush hour’?

− isn’t there a mouse-flavoured cat food?

 

− didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

− needles are sterilised before lethal injections?

− aren’t planes made of indestructible material like their black boxes?

− sheep don’t shrink when it rains?

− buildings are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

− if flying is so safe, the building you leave to board a plane from is called the terminal?

 

 

Evolutionary perspective

 

A little girl asked her Dad: “How did the human race appear?”  The Dad answered: “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.”

 

Two days later, the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered: “Many years ago, there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

 

The confused girl returned to her father and said: “Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mum said they developed from monkeys?”

 

“Well, Dear, it’s very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers.”

 

Out of the mouths of …

 

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

 

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

 

3. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

 

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

 

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

 

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

 

7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

 

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

 

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

 

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

 

11. Moses died before be ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

 

12. The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

 

13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

 

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

 

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.

 

16. When three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

 

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

 

18. St John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

 

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

 

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

 

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

 

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

 

23. One of the oppossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.

 

24. St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy agrimony which is another word for marriage.

 

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

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