You know you’re over the hill when the only whistles you get are from the tea kettle.
No! That can’t be my weight. It’s my telephone number!
I always start my diet on the same day … tomorrow.
You know when you’ve reached old age: your class-mates are so grey and wrinkled and bald that they don’t recognise you.
“I don’t like to be the one to tell you this, Sadie, but there’s a rumour going around that your husband Max is chasing women. And him over 80!”
“Yeah! So he’s 82, so what? Let him chase girls. Dogs chase cars, but when they catch one, can they drive it?”
An elderly couple were taking a stroll when a bird flew past and relieved itself on the woman’s head.
“Yeeh!” cried the woman. “Quick: Get me some toilet tissue!”
“What for?” the man asks. “He must be half-a-mile away by now.”
Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
“That’s it” he tells his wife “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad that, once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says: “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it a try?”
“That’s no good” sighs Arthur. “Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help.”
“He may be 103” replies the wife “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So, the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to his brother-in-law and asks: “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” replies the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.
“I don’t remember.”
Morals for the year
After eating a whole bull, a mountain lion felt so good that he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
Moral: when you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending … and to have the two as close together as possible. George Burns
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone. Anthony Burgess
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper. Quentin Crisp
If you can’t be a good example, you’ll just have to be a horrible warning. Catherine Aird
Good but rarely came from taking good advice. Lord Byron
More wit of the ancients
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not so pleased to read the description in the catalogue: ‘No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall’. Eleanor Roosevelt
Sometimes when I look at my children, I say to myself “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin”. Lillian Carter, mother of Jimmy Carter
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. Mark Twain
Santa Claus had the right idea. Visit people only once a year. Victor Borge
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. W.C. Fields
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark Twain
Shaggy duck story
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said: ”I’m sorry. Your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed: “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m sure. Your duck is dead” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned round and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black retriever dog. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later, he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said: “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most certainly, 100 percent reliably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried. “$150 just to tell me that my duck is dead?”
The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But with the second opinion and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
Some people never seem to be motivated to participate but are just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called Spec Taters.
Some people never do anything to help but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work.
They are called Commen Taters.
Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do but don’t want to soil their own hands.
These are called Dick Taters.
Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them that it is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.
They are called Agie Taters
There are those who say they will help but somehow just never get around to doing the promised help.
They are called Hezzie Taters
Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called Immy Taters
And there are others who love others and do what they say they will do, and are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand.
They are called Sweet Po Taters.
J.S. Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practised on an old spinster he kept in his attic.
Handel was half-German, half-Italian, and half-English.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music.
Minimalist music is rather repetitive, leading to a general feeling of monogamy.
For mysogynists only
An 80 year old lady appeared in court for stealing a box of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen the peaches. “I was hungry” she replied.
“How many peaches were in the box?” the judge asked. “Six” she replied.
Said the judge “Then you will go to prison for six days.”
At that, her husband spoke up and requested to say something. “What is it about?” asked the judge.
“She also stole a can of peas” the husband said.