Marvels of the West

 

An Arab boy and his father, newly arrived in New York, were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything that they saw, especially by two, shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

 

The boy asked “What is this, Father?”

 

The father, never having seen a lift before, responded “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.”

 

While the boy and his father were watching in amazement, an old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched in further amazement as the small numbers above the walls increased.

 

They continued to watch until the numbers stopped and then began to decrease again. Finally, the doors opened and a gorgeous 20-year-old blonde stepped out.

 

The father said quietly to his son “Go get your mother.”

 

 

Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer

 

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway bench next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with lipstick and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

 

After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?” The priest replied “ My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and lack of a bath.”

 

The drunk muttered in response “well, I’ll be damned” then returned to his paper.

 

The priest, thinking about what he had said to the man, nudged him and apologised. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

 

The drunk answered “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

 

 

More kids’ stuff

 

Teacher. Maria, go to the map and find North America.

Maria.     Here it is.

Teacher. Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

Class.      Maria!

 

Teacher. Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile’?

Glenn.    K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L.

Teacher. No, that’s wrong.

Glenn.    But you asked me how I spell it.

 

Teacher. Winnie, name one important thing that we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

Winnie.   Me!

 

Teacher. Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I’.

Millie.      I is …

Teacher. No, Millie. Always say ‘I am’.

Millie.     Alright. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

 

Teacher. Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

Simon.    No, sir. I don’t have to. My Mum’s a good cook.

 

Teacher. Clyde, your composition on ‘My dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?

Simon.    No, sir. It’s the same dog.

 

Teacher. Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer listening?

Harold.   A teacher.

 

Teacher. George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but he admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

Louis.      Because George still had the axe in his hand.

 

 

George Washington again

 

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and it stank all the time. The outhouse sat on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that, one day, he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

 

One day, after a Spring rain, the creek was swollen, so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

 

That night, his Dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. His Dad replied “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, son, wasn’t it?”

 

The boy answered “yes”. Then he thought a moment and said “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.”

 

The Dad replied “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in the cherry tree.”

Emergencies in Memphis

 

(911 calls in the US = 999 calls in the UK.)

 

Dispatcher: 911. What is your emergency?

Caller:         I heard what sounded like gun shots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller:         No, I have on a blouse and slacks. Why do you ask?

 

Dispatcher: 911. What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller:         I’m trying to reach nine eleven, but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller:         I thought you just said it was nine one one.

Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am. Nine one one and nine eleven are the same thing.

Caller:         Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

 

Dispatcher: 911. What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller:         My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller:         No, you idiot! This is her husband!

 

Dispatcher: 911. What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller:         Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn … I think I’m going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller:         I’m at a pay-phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you asthmatic?

Caller:         No.

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller:         Running from the police.

 

 

The rewards of sin

 

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an aeroplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The rabbi responded “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The priest then asked “Have you ever eaten pork?” to which the rabbi replied “Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and ate a ham sandwich.”

 

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke and asked the priest “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?” The priest replied “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.” The rabbi then asked “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” to which the priest replied “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion, I was weak and broke with my faith.”

 

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, he said “Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”

 

 

Catholic shampoo

 

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other “Wouldn’t a nice cold beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”

 

The second num answered “Indeed it would, Sister, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter.”

 

“I can handle that without a problem” the first nun said as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

 

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

 

“We use beer for washing our hair” the nun said. “A shampoo of sorts, if you like.”

 

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer.

 

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said ”The curlers are on the house.”

 

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said ”The curlers are on the house.”

 

 

An even grimmer fairy tale

 

A very old man went fishing one day. Suddenly he heard someone speaking to him. He looked around and saw that the voice was coming from a frog sitting on a lily pad.

 

“Are you speaking to me?” he enquired. The frog replied “Yes. I want to tell you that if you pick me up and kiss me, I will turn into the most beautiful girl you ever saw. And what is more, I will marry you.”

 

So the old man picked up the frog and shoved it into one of his side pockets. The frog cried “Didn’t you understand me? You must kiss me and I shall turn into a beautiful girl.”

 

“Nah” said the old man. “At my age, I would rather have a talking frog.”

 

 

Shaggy red-head story

 

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant. There’s a gorgeous red-head sitting at the next table. He’s been checking her out ever since he sat down, but he lacks the nerve to talk with her.

 

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it in the air, and hands it back to the woman. “Oh, I’m so sorry” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

 

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards go to the theatre, followed by a few drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams with him and he shares his.

 

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful time.

 

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything has been so incredible. “You know” he says “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

 

“No” she replies “You just happened to catch my eye.”

 

 

Reading test

 

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the human mind! Aoccdrnig to rscheearh at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are. The olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey ltetlr by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

 

Deos this wrok for dsyticcelts, I wdoenr? (It did for my auto spell check!)

 

 

And finally