Hugh Brammer

Lemon Squeeze. There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said: 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said: 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.’

The young woman said: 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said: 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked: 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Catholic Dog. Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked: 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied: 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said: 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £50 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed: 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
 

Pest Control. A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said: 'Those little bastards!'

The Indian loan trick

An Indian man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan office. He tells the loan officer that he is going to India on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Indian man hands over the keys of a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Indian man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says: “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and the transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000.”

The Indian man replies: “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

(From: Patrick French ‘India’.)

Fashion queen

The British fashion industry is full of surprises. Who would have guessed that one of the year’s big trendsetters would be 87 years old? Sales of Launer handbags, the Queen’s favourite brand, have risen by 52% during 2013 as she experimented with different colours.

There has also been interest in Her Majesty’s mid-height, block-heeled, sensible shoes. What’s more, one of the big colours in next year’s Spring collection will be canary yellow, another royal favourite.

If her son can sell organic biscuits, surely it’s not too late for Her Majesty to develop a fashion range? House of Windsor has rather a nice ring to it (“next on the catwalk we present Gown Imperial”).

Once a clothing line has been established, the next obvious step will be the Crown Jewels range of accessories: orbs, sceptres and tiaras for the modern career woman.

Then all that will remain is for Her Majesty to work on the branding for House of Windsor’s very own fragrance. Frankly, the name suggests itself: Monarchy by L’Royal – Because One’s Worth It.

 (From The Sunday Times)

From the schoolroom

A mother of a nine-year-old girl was shocked at a parents’ evening when a concerned teacher showed her what her daughter had written in her class diary. It read: “Last night my daddy was looking after us and he put us to bed and read us a story and then pissed on the cat.”

       The mother assured the teacher that she would get to the bottom of it and the following morning she asked her daughter why she had written the remark.

       The girl insisted that it was a genuine account of what had happened, explaining: “But Mummy, it’s true. Daddy read us a story and when he was going downstairs he saw that the cat was under the bed and he went ‘pssst, pssst, pssst’ to get him out.”

A primary school class was discussing the terms for male and female animals when one child said that a female dog was a bitch. A little boy then said “I know the name for a male dog, Miss. It’s a bastard.”

An eight-year-old sitting a national assessment paper, when asked ’Calculate the difference between 294 and 167’, simply wrote ‘NO’.

How to give Christmas presents

If you are a man, you should always know what to get your wife for Christmas as she will have let you know. If you think that she has not, you are misreading the signs: there is something wrong with your marriage.

If you are a woman, you know your husband wants whatever you are giving him.

If you should accidentally discover what your wife has bought you for Christmas and you hate it, you need to act quickly. Obviously, you should not just say “I hate yellow shirts”. You need to work it into a conversation: “I saw Brian yesterday. I do hate his yellow shirt. It’s such an impossible colour for anyone to wear.” Should you still receive a yellow shirt on Christmas morning, draw your own conclusion.

The other perennial problem is the unwanted gift. It is not really the thing itself, but the thoughtlessness that grates. Disposing of it in a charity shop is nowhere near as satisfying as re-gifting it back to the giver next year. They will be unlikely to give you anything ever again, so it is a win-win solution.

Christmas crackers

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

Because their days are numbered.

Why did Joseph and Mary stay together?

Because they had a stable relationship.

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Crisp and even.

What do Santa’s little helpers learn at nursery school?

The elfabet.

What do you call a blind reindeer?

No-eye dear.

What are the small rivers called that run into the Nile?

Juveniles.

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To see a flat mate.

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam.

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?

Because her pupils were too bright.