Insults Master Class (cont)

 

Oscar Wilde: “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”

 

John Bright: “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”

 

Irvin S. Cobb: “I’ve just learned of his illness. Let’s hope that it is nothing trivial.”

 

Samuel Johnson: “He is not only dull himself, but he is the cause of dullness in others.”

 

Oscar Wilde: “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”

 

Count Talleyrand: “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”

 

Mae West: “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”

 

Andrew Lang: “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts … for support rather than for illumination.”

 

Billy Wilder: “He has van Gogh’s ear for music.”

 

Groucho Marx: “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”

Lonely Lament

 

A Canadian bagpiper, who played at many gigs, was asked by a funeral director to play at the graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The service was to be at a paupers’ cemetery in Alberta’s back-country.

 

       As he was not familiar with the backwoods, he got lost. Being a typical man, he didn’t stop to ask for directions and finally arrived an hour late. The hearse was nowhere in sight and the funeral director had evidently gone. There were only the diggers left, and they were eating lunch. He felt badly and apologised to the men for being late.

 

       He went to the graveside and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. He didn’t know what to do, so he started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He played his heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends, playing like he had never done before. As he played ‘Amazing Grace’, the workers began to weep. They wept, he wept; they all wept together.

 

       When he finished, he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car, his head hung low, his heart full. As he opened the door of his car, he heard one of the workers say “Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin’ like that before, and I’ve been installing septic tanks for over twenty years!”

 

 

The Book of Dot Com

 

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

 

       And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost though travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou couldst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

 

       And Abraham didst look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said “How, dear?”

 

       And Dot replied “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made via Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPSs).

 

       Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

 

       To prevent neighbouring countries from understanding what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS). She also developed a new language, Hebrew To The People (HTTP), to transmit ideas and pictures.

 

       And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to fresh camel dung, and came to be called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Davidian Sybarites, or NERDS.

 

       And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no-one noticed that the real riches were going to that upstart young drum dealer William of Gates. That dealer from Sod bought off every drum maker in the land and did insist on drums to be made that would only work with his small flexible (Microsoft) drumheads and sticks.

 

       And Dot did say ”Oh Abraham! What we have started is being taken over by others.” Abraham thought long and hard, then said ”We need a name that reflects what we are.” And Dot replied “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “YAHOO !” said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

 

       Abraham’s young cousin, Joshua − a Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) – soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside that soon came to be known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).  And because Abraham and Dot’s tents were pitched beside the Bay of Ezekiel, their business came to be known as eBay.

 

       And that’s how the internet began.

 

 

Signs of the times (2)

 

On Tesco’s tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of tub): Do not turn upside down.

 

On Sainsbury’s bags of peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

 

On Boots’ children’s cough medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.

 

On M & S’s bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

 

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

 

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

 

On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion. Defrost.

 

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

 

On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning. May cause drowsiness.

 

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

 

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions. Open packet, eat nuts.

 

On a child’s Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

 

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

 

 

Kids’ stuff (2)

New proverbs from school

 

Strike while the … insect is close.

 

Don’t bite the hand that … looks dirty.

 

Better be safe than … punch David Smith.

 

If you lie down with dogs … you will stink in the morning.

 

You can’t teach an old dog new … maths.

 

An idle mind is … the best way to relax.

 

A penny saved is … not much.

 

Two’s company, three’s … the Musketeers.

 

Don’t put off till tomorrow what … you put on to go to bed.

 

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you; cry and … you have to blow your nose.

 

You get out of something only … what you see on the box.

 

 

Kids’ stuff (3)

British history

 

Writing about the Spanish Armada: “The Spanish were Catholics and the English were prostitutes.”

 

“Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonised by Bernard Shaw.”

 

“In wartime, children were evaporated because it was safer in the country.”

 

“Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.”

 

“Queen Elizabeth was the ‘Virgin Queen’. As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “Hurrah!”

 

“Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on the thorn for sixty-three years. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.”

 

“The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire was in the East and the sun sets in the West.”

 

 “The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.”

 

“Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.”

 

 

And how American kids saw it

 

“Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.”

 

“The Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called ‘Pilgrim’s Progress’. The winter of 1680 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.”

 

“One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.”

 

Q. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

A. At the bottom.

 

“The Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.”

 

“Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.”

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